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Dear FicAuthor,

your fic should (and from what I have seen from being ~15% in, will) push a LOT of the right buttons for me. I have a thing for the particular flavour of AU you're writing here, and it seems reasonably well written so far.

However. I keep being thrown out of the fic (yes, at only ~15% in) by the fact that you keep calling Character A, A, even though he introduced himself as B. The physical description, nevermind the plot summary, made it clear that it is A, so until A himself, or another character, reveals that his real name is A, please refer to him as B. Even if another character, upon being told his name is B, doesn't believe that B is his real name. We haven't had any POV from A yet, so ought not to have any way of knowing that A is in fact his real name.

Trust your reader to know that he's A, using B for a reason for now.  And find other identifiers to use in action/description/speech tags, etc,. You're clearly good enough to make things like 'the brunet'/'the shorter man'/'the job title'/'the age differential identifier' etc work.

Respectfully yours,

p.s. I'm not saying you need a Brit-picker, but: Britain=/=Briton. Briton/Britain/Great Britain/United Kingdom all mean different things, and now I'm really thrown out of the fic.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 4th, 2011 09:59 am (UTC)
*dances* I kinda want to know what you're reading! Or at least who it's about. XD *curious/trainwreck syndrome*

Re: that p.s. -- WHOA! That's quite the gaff.
Jun. 11th, 2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
Sorry to keep you on your toes for a week, hon! It was an Stipper!AU 'The Eagle' fic. Marcus' colleague buys him a lap dance at a club. The dancer introduces himself as 'Tom', which, fair enough, I probably wouldn't introduce myself as Helen, if I were in that line of work, but the author uses 'Esca' WELL before the character admits to Marcus (who is the pov character) that his name is, in fact, Esca.

I've just gone back and checked, and jebus, the author uses 'Esca' as an identifier for the character at the very point that Marcus meets him. As in, even before he introduces himself as Tom. RARGH.

I think this is so annoying to me because it reads like the author is much better than that - as I said above, she obviously has enough skill that she could have made non-name identifers work, easily.

Also (and this applies to the “Ahh, a Britain" exclaimation, which is hugely ridiculous gaff), no-one has called the author on it, and all the commenters absolutely love it, and yes, it is cute and funny and hot, but if I commented to (honestly) say that I enjoyed it and it was cute and funny and hot, I'd also want to (honestly) say that it was flawed, as outlined above, and I get the feeling that that would be...less than popular...
Jun. 11th, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)
*groan* That souns maddening. Unless one is meant to get the impression that Marcus knows 'Tom' is Esca, than she really shouldn't have done that.

See, me, I have gotten bullied on the internet for commenting on stuff like that. Apparently, "I really enjoyed this fic overall, especially points A and B, but if you fixed Error 1 it would be perfect" is not the way to go...
Jun. 12th, 2011 12:01 am (UTC)
The more I think about it, the more maddening it becomes, because seriously, even though Marcus says he doesn't think Tom's name suits him, they have never ever met until 'Tom' dances for him - there is no way Marcus (or the reader) should know Esca's real name at that point, so to write 'Esca said this' or 'Esca did that' is JUST WRONG.

Me too. (hence the writing about it on my journal, rather than hers...) ;__; Some people on the internet really suck sometimes.
Jun. 12th, 2011 01:33 am (UTC)
*and then hugs some more*
*and then offers tea and cheesecake with strawberry topping*
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )